Qualifying Exam

The results for the qualifying exam come out today. I don't want to get my hopes up, because I know that if I don't pass it will be more disappointing than last time. I feel like I should pass, and that if I don't it will be a serious mistake. I just don't know if I demonstrated that appropriately on the exams. I don't feel like E&M went well, and many of the first-years that I have talked to thought it was so easy. I just want to pass and continue doing what I've wanted to do since I was 8.

I'm going to congratulate myself and say, "Yay, Rachel!" I did better this quarter than in the fall, and I raised my GPA (and passed my classes). I'm so close to keeping my money I can taste it. Here's to more improvement.

And now, a rant.

[redacted].

I thought better of it. I'm pissed, though.

Erm...

I had a lot I thought about saying, but I'll just be angsty for a bit.

One would think that in a male-dominated area such as physics the chances would be high of meeting someone you click with. As the saying goes, "the odds are good but the goods are odd." At UCI, however, the odds are not even good. Everyone I'm close with is in a relationship. There are guys that I am kind of interested in, but the physics department is so fucked up that I'm not sure I want to deal with that. I briefly alluded to this earlier, but there is/was/whatever a boy (Main Boy). One of the girls (Acquaintance) said to another girl (Good Friend) that they should set me up with Main Boy. The main players in this story plus others go out one night. Acquaintance pushes me and Main Boy together to dance, but by the end of the night Acquaintance and Main Boy are possibly making out and definitely holding hands on the car ride home. I would like to meet other people, but since I live in my office and do work all the time this seems less than likely. Plus I've only dated physicists and engineers so I don't know what I would do with someone that isn't in my field. The only times I've met people that I've truly cared about/loved romantically have been over the summer in Ojai. I suppose there was also Best Guy Friend, but he wasn't a physicist and that didn't work out so much. Dr. Zook has nine cats now. I don't want to end up like her. Nor do I want to end up like Bridget Jones (I watched Bridget Jones's Diary the other day, which prompted this wallowing).

The Perfect Storm

This week is going to be a perfect storm of suck. I have two midterms, one Tuesday and one Thursday. I have tutoring center Wednesday night, so studying for Thursday is going to be severely impeded. Thursday is also Valentine's Day, a holiday I hate more than any other. I HATE Valentine's Day. It sucks when you're single and is stressful when you're not. Does anyone like it? I also I have to teach Thursday and it's supposed to rain. Sucks for my students, because I'm going to be cranky.

I'm itchy right now. Stupid grass allergies. It's a bendadryl tonight for sure.

Right now I miss everything and everyone at Pomona and from this summer. I had an amazing time from May until the start of August. It's just not the same here, and I dislike change. I've been meeting the new grad students. Already there's office drama. There's not the same connection. I know I haven't known them that long, but I felt like my sponsor group was getting close even at the beginning, and the TAs this summer got along really well, even from the start. Granted there were only 5 of us and we basically spent 24/7 together, but it was like we had known each other a lot longer. I don't think there is any romantic potential here. The tall people are just not cute, and there isn't anyone that I really feel like I get along super well with. Right now I just feel so lonely. Have I mentioned lately how much it irks me to have conversations online with people that just leave you without a word? I'm guilty of it as well, and I probably wouldn't be so pissed if it was someone else. I just feel like friendship works two ways, and each person has to put in the effort. I don't want to be the one always initiating contact. If you know someone that you purportedly care about is starting a new school, wouldn't you be curious to know how things were going? I think I'm overly sensitive to this.