So I failed 2/3 midterms. Well, I assume I failed the third one, but I don't actually know. Also, if grad school were like normal school, I wouldn't have failed. A B- should not be a failing grade. Only one of my midterms was anything like the homework and examples we did in class. That's the one I "'passed." I use the term loosely. Right now I'm a bit concerned that I won't pass my classes this quarter, and if I do, I know my GPA won't be high enough to keep my fellowship. I'm a bit...disturbed by this, to say the least. It's very discouraging. I know I'm a smart person, but I don't feel like I am. I kind of hate it here. I miss my friends. I'm having housing issues, let's say, and my classes are miserable. The adjustment is taking longer than I thought it would, which seems to me that I might not actually be adjusting. When I feel like I'm failing at school, I feel like I'm failing at life, based on my experiences freshman year when I had to drop CS before I failed and I also broke up with Ryan. The two were in no way related, but they are intertwined in my mind. I'm tired all the time because I can't sleep, so basically I'm miserable. Cameron suggested that I ask you all for advice, although I'm not sure who reads this. So if you read it, now's the time to comment.
Basically, I have no life plan beyond get married, which is currently not a viable option. The people I wanted to marry have not returned the feeling, and my prospects here are bleak. Right now my plan is to stick it out for the rest of the quarter and see how things are in December. If things don't improve, I will not return in the winter and try to figure something else out. If in a year or two I decide this is really what I want to do, I will reapply. So I guess these are my options. Any insight would be helpful.
1. Stay in grad school despite being miserable. I will probably lose my fellowship, which would be embarassing. I also do not want to TA beyond the bare minimum, so I wouldn't have a lot of money. My parents said they would support me, but I don't want that.
2. Take time off to figure out my life. I don't know what I would do in this interim period. I would not want to do something physics or astronomy related, because I might as well stay in grad school for that. I would probably file at my uncle's office, which is really lame. If after a year or two I decide I want to go back, I will reapply. I have problems with this option because I think it woiuld be too much of a hassle to deal with leaving mid-year. Also, I don't know if I would come back to UCI or just reapply all over again. I haven't been here long enough to make it worth while to come back, and it would be weird seeing all my classmates way ahead of me.
3. Go to culinary school. I think I would like to a pastry chef. Unfortunately, culinary school is rather expensive. Also, I like cooking as a hobby, but I don't know if I would want to make a career out of it.
4. Go to law school. I don't want to study for the LSAT and the first year of law school is as miserable if not more so than the first year of grad school, so that seems silly. Really I would only be a lawyer for the money, the clothes, and since I would want to do entertainment law, the perks of tangential celebrity.
5. Apply for jobs that I haven't thought of yet. Suggestions welcome.
This is my dilemma. I don't really have time to think about it, though, because if I get behind on problem sets there is no catching up, and they are the only way I have a prayer of passing. Now it is time for bed, because I am exhausted. Ten bucks says I won't fall asleep for another hour. I need to go to the gym and see if that helps me work off my nerves.
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4 comments:
i don't know that i have any specific advice beyond just saying that i think that for a lot of people, myself included, the first year out of college is stressful nomatter where you are or what you're doing. there's so much to figure out, and an overwhelming amount of options that require sorting out (except that you don't have the time to sort them out, and even if you did, you'd want to take the time to just relax and not think deep thoughts!!). anyway, all i can say is stick in there. i have complete faith that things will work out for you, although who knows what form that will take. for now, just keep breathing. :)
Do you have an advisor there? I suspect you're not the first person to go through this kind of dilemma, and just having someone moderately in charge talk to you and give their opinion ought to be useful.
You might also consider some other job, like consulting (all the cool kids are doing it). All the soullessness and most of the pay of lawyering, but without the years of training.
As someone beginning to look for stuff in the real world, I don't know much beyond that... I'm kind of wondering what I'm going to do next year myself.
Let's talk soon, Rachel!
Hi! I hope you're feeling better about things--you've always been too hard on yourself as far as academics go, and that feeling after walking out of a test makes it that much harder.
As far as the future, I think there are a lot of in-between things you can do, like taking some time off, maybe working in a restaurant or bakery to see if you like cooking as a job, and just kind of de-pressurizing.
I think transitioning from college into more school has got to be stressful, and it couldn't hurt to take things a little easy, right?
Good luck with everything! I'm sure it'll work out!
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